My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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