I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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