i was rollin on her like bob the builder
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
