I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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