I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
