Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
