I accidentally had phone sex last night
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
