This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
