sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
