I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
