Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm at about main and main street
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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