how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
