Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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