I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
