Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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