My balls are so social today.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
