No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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