In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
FUCK WHALES
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
