What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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