I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
