I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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