just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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