His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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