he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
