Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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