Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
