I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
