My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I can't put those talents on a resume
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
