nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
