You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
