In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
