a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
