All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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