Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
