You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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