I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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