I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My feet surprised me
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
