Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
