Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You can't motorboat a personality
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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