when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
