I am puke
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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