Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
