That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
