The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
