True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
