nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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