Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
