god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
