Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
