I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
